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J K Rowling does pilates, yoga, jogs, has botox injections and has cut out saturated fats

Apparently I've been 'Rowling back the years' (ho, ho). Yes, the secrets behind my new (ahem) health and beauty regime have been confided to a British newspaper by a 'friend'.

Now, most people stop having imaginary friends once they're adults, but mine sometimes drop in on journalists to give them completely unrecognisable accounts of my life. My carbon-based friends, however, if asked whether I jog, do pilates and yoga, have a frozen forehead or refuse cake, might well suffer some kind of mirth-induced internal injury.

It would be churlish not to thank the journalist concerned for saying that I look better now than I did in the early days of Harry Potter's success, and I am indeed grateful for the underlying compliment. In the interests of accuracy, however, I must point out that, far from losing weight, I've gained a good bit since the 'before' photographs featured in the article. So J K Rowling's top tip for today is: eat more. Perhaps my next project could be a revolutionary diet book?